Sidelined NO MORE!

If you were to ask me a few years ago if I inspired anyone, I would scoff, and say "Oh heck no!" And really, I wouldn't give that a second thought. Me? An inspiration? Please!!! :O Last year when I had already adopted healthy eating habits, lost a good bit of weight, AND was active but still felt like death every single day... I had to get totally serious about my commitment to my health. There was no way I was going down like that and I wasn't going to sit by idly watching my life from the comfy seat on the couch, or the bench on the sidelines. NO WAY! My son, husband, friends and family deserve the best me I can give them, the healthiest me! So...I sought out natural supplements to help me battle my auto immune disease and the symptoms of severe chronic fatigue that I was battling. If you don't have your health, you don't truly have the chance to seek out real freedom OR happiness. Feeling terrible every.single.day is a real BIG burden and so very many people carry that around with them. IN SECRET! They hide how they really feel from nearly everyone save for maybe their closest loved ones. No one should have to live like that. If I have in any way inspired you with my successes and the battle you've seen me fighting - then I am truly humbled and honored. These Plexus products are real, and if you doubt that then scroll down my wall and see for yourself. The proof is real, and it's there. I'm not alone, and there are thousands and thousands of other real people out there JUST like me who all have their own success story. This journey is beautiful, it's challenging, and oh so rewarding.... but I promise you, it's worth every.bit.of.effort you put into it. I won't be sidelined, and I won't stop! 

My Toddler is turning out to be my greatest Teacher

So for a while now we've been dealing with an unruly, defiant, emotionally confused, easily unraveled little man.  Nathan is around 3 and a half now, and he plays the part of monstrous toddler quite brilliantly.  Bravo little man.  Oh wait!

NO -  Oh GOOD grief I am so tired of the whacky, crazy, unexplainable behavior.  I see this awesome sweet, intelligent and sensitive little boy emerging at times but there are these other, dare-to-keep-them-quiet times where he acts so irrational I think to myself "surely this little kid has lost his f'ing mind"!  Yeah yeah... I know!  You don't have to remind me.  This is what the vast majority of toddlers do.  When you're in the thick of it and it's been going on for months, it feels like it will never end.

Our counselor continues to remind us of Nathan's progress and I am so grateful for her keeping us grounded.  They say our children are our best teachers and I really do believe that now with my whole heart.  Nathan has taught me so much about the kind of person I really am.... which has truthfully been a shameful discovery for me.  I know I am a good Mom, but I want to be a great one.  I see my shortcomings shown to me in a blaze of flashing behavior that he mirrors back to me.  Oh no!  I don't want those things for him.  He has unknowingly shown me and taught me that I have habits and behaviors that I desperately want to... nay... need to change about myself.  I truly had no idea how much of a 360 degree immersive experience having and raising a child would be.  It astounds me how much I have learned about myself, the world, and how my priorties are shifting dramatically.

Just a few things I am working on and changing...and I'm sure there are more but these are the big ones!

1. Anxiety - This ugly beast!  My anxiety is far better than it's ever been in my adult life.  Why?  Because I don't want Nathan to perpetuate or develop this in himself.  It's wild when you see your child mirroring anxious behaviors that you know you, yourself do.  I am in the process of reevaluating virtually everything I do and say on a daily basis.  For those who have been here.... this is EXHAUSTING!
2. Complaining -  My health hasn't been the greatest .. ever.  It's not horrible but it's improving and has improved a tremendous amount in recent months.  But I am like a typical man when I get sick.  I whine, I complain.  I never realized just how much I made random comments about "my head hurts" or "whoah It sucks that I feel so bad" ..... until I heard my darling little boy saying those same kinds of things.  UGH.  Not going to lie, I'm a bit worried that I can't get him to pull out of this behavior... even though I have quashed showing much of this kind of stuff around him.  If I truly am sick and sound sick and look sick - that's a different story.  I know that it's important for him to see that it's OK to take breaks and take care of yourself.  BIG difference between the associated behaviors though.
3. Patience -  I have learned very quickly and very shamefully that I am sorely lacking in this department.  My biggest New Years resolution this year is to develop and foster an ability to be patient in light of ANY circumstance or situation.  This will not be easy.

Focus on yourself

It's all just too much.  I feel so overwhelmed right now.  I suppose as we grow older, a shift happens for some and you realize that you already knew life was short, but it takes on a warp speed, faster than light-like quality that just blows your mind.  Looking around I've realized that people are fading away out of my life or they already have.  Clearly, some have meant so much to me and I don't want that "fading" to happen.  But inevitably, the harder I have tried to re-cultivate those relationships, it seems that the effort is most of the time, one sided.  

Had a wake up mental "slap" from my confidant today.  So what if people don't reciprocate the cultivation?  Don't take it personally.  "Focus on yourself".   I must find peace with myself... work on myself.... be real and happy with myself.  Looking to others won't fix that.  Only once I am comfortable and good with who I am, will I really enjoy the friendship and company of others.

When the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go, it is time to let go. Let go of needing everyone to like you. – Everyone doesn’t need to like you. But remember, just because some people don’t seem to care for you, doesn’t mean you should forget about everyone else who does. 

Terrible Twos!

Holy screaming Batman!  Nathan's hit the terrible twos full force recently and he cries about everything.  I am pretty sure it's a matter of him not being able to fully communicate still and he gets so frustrated when we don't understand what he's asking for.  

Last night was really rough, and I really hope that we can get past this small bump and move on soon.  A couple of weeks ago, we decided to finally take away the bottles for good.  I think that didn't help.  Nathan has been enormously upset about the bottles and he keeps pushing every afternoon to get them back.  It will hopefully ease up soon.  He doesn't complain at school or at Grandma's house which is great.  It means he's only testing Brian and me, and not others.  I'm sure there'll come a time when he pushes the boundaries outside the home but for now, he's only being an unreasonable A-hole to us!  Yay!  /shaking my head/

grumpy "zoo" face @ Brookfield

I'm really proud of myself because my frustration level with the whole thing has been at nuclear proportions but I have mostly remained very calm during it.  Hopefully Brian will reign in his and react more calmly going forward.  It's really hard, but I know it's just the start of many challenging times with raising a child.

Cheers! /tips the wine glass/

Another one for the history books

Another year come and gone.  Why must they fly by so very quickly?  It's good for me to do a brief recount of 2013 and remember all of the positive things that have come from the time gone by.

• Began blogging again, and even though my posts were extremely few and far between most months, I still made the effort and that was a good start.  So for that I'm proud of myself.
• Joined a gym and made lots of progress for a few months, which then declined during the stress of the DIL and move across country.  Now I'm struggling to get back into the swing of it and having recurring health issues. This is top priority for 2014.
• Best friends Jon and Kristin were married @ the end of May, with Brian being the best man.
• We had a failed short sale on our home, which turned into a DIL.  That appears to be finalizing and closing in the next week or two.  Mixed feelings on this as it sucks but ended up being our only choice.
• Freeman held it's first Solutionista conference in Dallas with designers attending from across the enterprise and it was great to meet nearly all of my counterparts face to face.
• Nathan turned 1 year on August 20, 2013.
• Visited my company's Dallas Corporate office, and had a wonderful yearly review along with a great visit to the custom exhibits Fabrication location.  Had a great dinner with my Dallas bestie Melinda.
• Several major and minor tiffs with my bestie/hubby.  Most stupid, and a bigger deal that needed to be.  I am learning how to be in love with him again.  It's a never-ending struggle to live with another human, let alone have to share everything with him/her.  We're both learning and growing together.  Progress, even small steps, is being made.  For that I'm very grateful.
• Left the Boston/Providence area officially when we drove away Nov. 2nd.
• Arrived in Chicago on November 3rd to officially start the next chapter of our lives.
• Nathan's 1st real Thanksgiving / Christmas to remember, and we spent it with Chicago family and friends + my Mom.  It was a great time and even though the whole house was sick with colds, we made the best of the extreme cold weather and feeling crappy.  It was so wonderful to see how happy Nathan was, and to see him interacting with his family.
• Learning to be grateful for what I have and what I have accomplished.  Taking a less serious approach to the little things and realizing that sometimes things just have to wait.  Major tasks can be completed in small steps rather than marathon, back breaking events.
• Love my husband, remember why we fell in love and remind him of how much I appreciate him often.

I'm looking forward to getting equally great things achieved and accomplished in 2014.  

Packing insanity! In one week we move to Chicago!

Just a quick note to say that I've been so busy these last couple of months getting everything in order for our move that I haven't had time to write about any of it.  Shame on me.  I promised myself I'd keep up with this blog, if only for myself and I'm failing again.

Well I'll just be needing to pick myself right up and dust myself off - and begin again.  And I will.  But not till I get this craziness behind me.  This move will prove to be a good confidence booster, because now that I have my son, everything sort of freaks me out this last year.  It'll be good to get past one more extreme life change and come out on the other side seeing that all things are possible.  I'll get through this too.

Celebratory items of note:

Nathan's walking now and took his first steps 9/21/13, one day past 13 months.  Now he's trucking around and doing very well.  I suspect in another few weeks he'll start running, if not sooner.  EEK! :)

Found a great rental at approximately the price we wanted to spend per month.  Signed 2 year lease, seems like great landlords so far - and the property has all new appliances, central AC and furnace.  Woot!

Frustration mixed with a good heap of anxiety

It's been quite some time since my last update.   Lots has happened.  Nathan and I have been sick with two colds, and this week I have upper respiratory, laryngitis and a massive ear infection.  Spending the days working from home and trying not to let my anxiety and frustration get the better of me.

Our short sale has been in jeopardy, as BoA approved the purchase price (which included a closing credit of $4600) but they declined the credit and some of the fees.  After going back with a counter offer to them, with the fees reduced and telling them that the buyers planned to withdraw if the closing credit were denied, BoA in their infinite stupidity and greed, denied the credit a second time.  We were desperate to retain the buyers and make the short sale stick, so we offered to pay the closing credit directly to them.  Even with offering them everything they were asking for - they still notified us they intended to withdraw.

Heartbroken, and sick to my stomach, I am fighting my way through the rest of this week but it's been such a struggle.  It's been an enormous challenge to wrap my head around losing our buyers and the house going back up on the market.  We're exploring other options, primarily deed in lieu of foreclosure and so hopefully one way or another we will get this resolved, and get moved.   That's all I can bear to report for now.....