Another one for the history books

Another year come and gone.  Why must they fly by so very quickly?  It's good for me to do a brief recount of 2013 and remember all of the positive things that have come from the time gone by.

• Began blogging again, and even though my posts were extremely few and far between most months, I still made the effort and that was a good start.  So for that I'm proud of myself.
• Joined a gym and made lots of progress for a few months, which then declined during the stress of the DIL and move across country.  Now I'm struggling to get back into the swing of it and having recurring health issues. This is top priority for 2014.
• Best friends Jon and Kristin were married @ the end of May, with Brian being the best man.
• We had a failed short sale on our home, which turned into a DIL.  That appears to be finalizing and closing in the next week or two.  Mixed feelings on this as it sucks but ended up being our only choice.
• Freeman held it's first Solutionista conference in Dallas with designers attending from across the enterprise and it was great to meet nearly all of my counterparts face to face.
• Nathan turned 1 year on August 20, 2013.
• Visited my company's Dallas Corporate office, and had a wonderful yearly review along with a great visit to the custom exhibits Fabrication location.  Had a great dinner with my Dallas bestie Melinda.
• Several major and minor tiffs with my bestie/hubby.  Most stupid, and a bigger deal that needed to be.  I am learning how to be in love with him again.  It's a never-ending struggle to live with another human, let alone have to share everything with him/her.  We're both learning and growing together.  Progress, even small steps, is being made.  For that I'm very grateful.
• Left the Boston/Providence area officially when we drove away Nov. 2nd.
• Arrived in Chicago on November 3rd to officially start the next chapter of our lives.
• Nathan's 1st real Thanksgiving / Christmas to remember, and we spent it with Chicago family and friends + my Mom.  It was a great time and even though the whole house was sick with colds, we made the best of the extreme cold weather and feeling crappy.  It was so wonderful to see how happy Nathan was, and to see him interacting with his family.
• Learning to be grateful for what I have and what I have accomplished.  Taking a less serious approach to the little things and realizing that sometimes things just have to wait.  Major tasks can be completed in small steps rather than marathon, back breaking events.
• Love my husband, remember why we fell in love and remind him of how much I appreciate him often.

I'm looking forward to getting equally great things achieved and accomplished in 2014.  

Packing insanity! In one week we move to Chicago!

Just a quick note to say that I've been so busy these last couple of months getting everything in order for our move that I haven't had time to write about any of it.  Shame on me.  I promised myself I'd keep up with this blog, if only for myself and I'm failing again.

Well I'll just be needing to pick myself right up and dust myself off - and begin again.  And I will.  But not till I get this craziness behind me.  This move will prove to be a good confidence booster, because now that I have my son, everything sort of freaks me out this last year.  It'll be good to get past one more extreme life change and come out on the other side seeing that all things are possible.  I'll get through this too.

Celebratory items of note:

Nathan's walking now and took his first steps 9/21/13, one day past 13 months.  Now he's trucking around and doing very well.  I suspect in another few weeks he'll start running, if not sooner.  EEK! :)

Found a great rental at approximately the price we wanted to spend per month.  Signed 2 year lease, seems like great landlords so far - and the property has all new appliances, central AC and furnace.  Woot!

Frustration mixed with a good heap of anxiety

It's been quite some time since my last update.   Lots has happened.  Nathan and I have been sick with two colds, and this week I have upper respiratory, laryngitis and a massive ear infection.  Spending the days working from home and trying not to let my anxiety and frustration get the better of me.

Our short sale has been in jeopardy, as BoA approved the purchase price (which included a closing credit of $4600) but they declined the credit and some of the fees.  After going back with a counter offer to them, with the fees reduced and telling them that the buyers planned to withdraw if the closing credit were denied, BoA in their infinite stupidity and greed, denied the credit a second time.  We were desperate to retain the buyers and make the short sale stick, so we offered to pay the closing credit directly to them.  Even with offering them everything they were asking for - they still notified us they intended to withdraw.

Heartbroken, and sick to my stomach, I am fighting my way through the rest of this week but it's been such a struggle.  It's been an enormous challenge to wrap my head around losing our buyers and the house going back up on the market.  We're exploring other options, primarily deed in lieu of foreclosure and so hopefully one way or another we will get this resolved, and get moved.   That's all I can bear to report for now.....

Where on earth did that year go?

Yesterday was August 20th, 2013 - Nathan's very 1st Birthday.  I can't believe my baby boy turned one.  I am astonished at how fast the year went by.  When I reel through my mind the images, memories and experiences that I had during the first year of his life, I am humbled.  I completely understand why people say that children grow up too fast.   It was a low key day until I got home from work, in which time we crammed in a visit from Auntie Laura and her girls who came bearing cakes and presents.  They made it an extra special birthday since we were without family for hopefully the ONLY time in Nathan's life.  Then we quickly ate take-out dinner followed by three back to back Skype sessions with the Grandparents.

All in all it was a great evening, even though Nathan's schedule got disrupted a bit.   This weekend on Sunday we'll be doing a smash cake photo session with our neighbor Denise.  I'm excited for it and hope it turns out well, as I put a good bit of work into planning and execution of it.  We shall see!

Cause you know blueberries freeze in space, right?

Arrrrghhhh!  I'm falling down again.  Promised myself I wouldn't miss a beat on this whole blog thing.  Where the hell do the hours in the day go?   I feel like I'm traveling the way of the Trek gang.  I don't want to travel at warp speed Mister Scott!  I just want to slow it down nice and easy, and take my time.  Boo!

Nathan's got a nasty cough this week, and we found out the daycare we send him to is closing down.  I'm pretty heartbroken about it, and should write more about my thoughts on it, but not right now.  I don't want to be upset any more today.  So good thoughts, good thoughts!

Speaking of Star Trek, this past weekend on the return episode of Breaking Bad, Jesse's druggie buddy recounted his idea of a Trek script.  It was super super funny.

Babies like spicy food - yes really!

Since Nathan was about eight months old I started to worry about his food intake.  As my obsessive mommy instincts had me reading up a bit on what babies should be eating, I've stumbled across so many suggestions and recommendations that my head is spinning.  There are so many opinions on this subject matter that it could make even the most solidly confident person dizzy with wonder.  So enter me.  I'm already worried that Nathan won't start eating any solids on his own and for the past four months I've offered finger foods of various different times every single night.

He would eat NOTHING.  Nada, zip, zilch.  Frustrated?  Yeah, that word doesn't even begin to cover how stressed I started to become.  About two months ago, I gave it up though, and finally resigned myself to do my best not to worry.  I let it go as best I could.

Fast forward to this past weekend.  On Saturday, Brian was making breakfast and I asked him to make plain scrambled eggs for Nathan.  That was one food we had not tried yet.  To my utter delight and amazement, he ate them.  He also ate a couple of tiny bits of bacon.  Sunday morning, he ate eggs again along with pancake bits.  Ever since he's been eating / trying just about everything we put in front of him.

Last night, Brian made Chicken Tikka Masala which is a mildly spicy Indian dish with a red sauce.  He used boneless skinless thighs which are tender and yummy.  Nathan had already eaten the equivalent of a half of a banana cut into bits, rolled in wheat germ.  Then I offered him some bits of the chicken with just a tiny bit of sauce and he loved it!  I couldn't give him bits of it fast enough.  He also tried Naan bread and liked that too.  I'm so relieved and excited that Nathan is finally taking an interest in eating.   Yay! :)

He's finally better~

Over the weekend, Nathan finally got over his first real illness (colds don't count).  He had a stomach bug that lingered on for almost seven days.  He was sick so much, that I did laundry nearly every day this past week - poor little guy.   It is amazing how the doctor wasn't at all concerned with his 103+ fever when he was first taken to see the doctor.  I learned so much about myself and Nathan this week.  I feel like we conquered a huge hill, and it was just one little step toward strengthening our bonds as a family.  All in all, even though it was really scary, I think Brian and I did a great job at keeping calm and handling our sweetie being so sick.

Zombiefied

Today I feel like a character from the AMC show, "The Walking Dead".  And not a good character either.  It would be cool to be one of the kick-ass survivors who are battling the zombies.  Oh no, I feel like ONE of the zombies.  I guess getting only a couple hours sleep tends to do that to a person.  Nathan was up half the night, sick and unable to keep any food down.  Hopefully he will improve today.

During my PPD/PPA times was when Brian and I discovered Walking Dead and while I was at the height of my crazy, was when we watched the first two full seasons.  I swear I felt like I was living their story right along with the characters.  Everything was so real, so raw, so terrifying.  I dreamed about what I saw, and worked out escape plans - changes to the story - new events ... in my head as if I were a part of their struggle and journey.  I've recently discovered that others have done the exact same things, sans PPD/PPA.   I guess the show is just that damn good.  Kudos AMC.

PS -   Nathan's funny baby noises sometimes sound like he's trying to impersonate a Zombie.  I can't wait to see him discover the aforementioned TV series for himself one day.  I bet he'll like it, after all, he can audibly relate, at least for a little while as a baby.

Reminders (part one) "Be a Better Person"

The only way to make an improvement in any of these departments is to first take note of your current behavior, then reflect on how it can be improved, and finally, make the necessary changes. Remember that the change cannot happen until you know what is wrong in the first place.  Learn to stop criticizing yourself. Take time to appreciate your talents and best features, whether they are physical or internal. The more hostile you are toward yourself, the more hostile you are likely to be toward others.

Become more self-aware. The first step toward becoming a better person is learning to notice your current behavior, whether it is how you react to stress, how you cope with loss, how you manage your anger, or how you treat the people you love.

Learn to love yourself. Before you can learn to love others, you will have to learn to love yourself. This isn't the sort of vain, self-absorbed love; it's the love that accepts you for the person you are, that delves deep to unearth the skills and values that truly make up who you are and embraces these. Even if you don't believe in the value of self-love, start telling yourself that you are a kind, compassionate person and most of all, that you're worthy. Coupled with virtuous and kind actions, this will help you to be more self-accepting and understanding.

Learn to control anger and jealousy. These emotions are a natural part of life, but if you constantly feel angry or jealous toward others, you are going to have a difficult time finding happiness.  

• Rather than constantly comparing yourself to people who you think are better off than you, take some time to acknowledge the fact that there are countless people in the world who are worse off than you. What's more, there are people out there who have less than you, but who are even more appreciative!
• To let go of anger, forgive the people who have wronged you in the past. Holding anger and resentment toward someone else punishes you, not the other person. It's a fairly sobering thought to realize that you haven't moved on while they have. Give yourself the gift that frees your heart by forgiving.
• It might help to talk to the person you are angry with, let them know what they did wrong, and tell them that you forgive them. If you would rather not talk to the person, then write everything down in a letter and keep it to yourself.
• Remember that forgiveness is not absolution. The bad thing still happened; what you're doing is lifting the burden that weighs you down and lets you heal.

Practice empathy. This is about standing in the other person's shoes and realizing what place this person is coming from (pain, fear, loss, etc.). Remember that everybody has his or her own struggles and insecurities; understanding this will help you be more sensitive toward other peoples' feelings, learn to bond with others, and feel less isolated. And practicing empathy will help you to treat others as you would like to be treated.  This skill will come in handy when trying to improve your personal relationships with friends, family members, and lovers.

Show people that you care. Did you know that some people are actually too shy to be nice? Don't be afraid to tell somebody that you love them or care deeply for them.  Do this genuinely. Don't tell people what they want to hear just to make them happy, or to get something in return. Honesty is always the best policy when it comes to communicating with loved ones.

Be appreciative. Stop spending a lot of your time obsessing over the things you wish you had. Instead, count and appreciate the things you do have. You might be surprised if you actually focus on what is already good and helpful in your life. Chasing dreams can sometimes lose you the sight of what's already before you.

Give to others. Not everybody can afford to donate thousands of dollars to their favorite charity, but that doesn't mean you can't make small contributions to help those in need.

• Practice random acts of kindness every day. This could be as small an act as helping an elderly person carry groceries to their car, or giving somebody the right of way when driving. The more you do this, the more you will realize how gratifying it feels to help others, which will ultimately help overcome selfishness.

Flying at the speed of light...

Time is flying by!  I can't believe how much of a whirlwind this week has been.  It's been full of eventful happenings.  In short, we got two offers yesterday on the house - one of which was good $ wise so we accepted and today are working on getting all the items finalized for the consultant to submit to the bank with the offer.

I forced myself to sketch as a means to brainstorm for a design I just completed today.  It was a smallish exhibit for Amazon Web Services.  I'm quite pleased with the results and am happy I made myself go back to my roots, so to speak.  The AE was astonished and so happy with the design, and subsequently - I am too.  Hopefully the client likes it!

I also hope to have more time to expand on my thoughts later... but can't for now.

Apples!

Lately I have been so worried about my sweet fella eating foods and picking things up on his own.  His interest level in all the different foods I keep plopping in front of him on his high chair tray has been almost nil. To top it off, he has been cranky and teething again which seems to make food exploration more frustrating and less interesting to him.

But last night Nathan ate poached apple slices.  I AM SO PROUD!  I peeled and cored and sliced a small gala, added a dash of sugar and cinnamon and poached the slices in the m-wave for about 3 minutes.  He thought it was so funny to squeeze the juice out of the first slice but he actually ate half of it.  Then, much to my utter amazement and delight, he nibbled at two other slices.

There is hope!

More soon..... <3

Trying this once again.....

So, here I am again - wanting desperately to chronicle my daily thoughts.  Actually remembering to log in and do so, is well, really tough!  I recently started reading some blogs from other women and they are inspirational to me, so here I am again, with the desire to start over and make it a life long habit.  

I wish....

I wish I had never gotten PPD/PPA, but the more I waste energy wishing for something that cannot be, the more difficult my recovery is.  For me, it's really difficult to be accepting of the fact that I had PPA/PPD and that there was nothing I could do about it.  It's not something I asked for, nor is it my fault.  It just IS.

Accepting that it is part of my life right now is a big pill to swallow.  I'm not doing very well with it.  One of the many regrets I have is not continuing with my pregnancy journal.  That time is gone, and I have to move on and forward.  I really do want to get to feeling like my old self again.  Some days are a massive struggle just to get from 8am to 8pm and function.  Those days are more than a few lately because I am tapering off of the anti-depressant I was placed on in late November.

Why am I coming off of it?  Well, I just can't hang with the side effects.  Primarily the massive joint and muscle pain that plagues me day in, day out.  In addition, my vision becomes blurry on occasion, sometimes striking both eyes or one eye at a time.  It's very random.  The anxiety is swinging its big stick at me and I'm having to rely on the Valium the doc gave to me to help me manage during the day.   It's all extraordinarily frustrating and monumentally challenging.

I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day.