I wish I had never gotten PPD/PPA, but the more I waste energy wishing for something that cannot be, the more difficult my recovery is. For me, it's really difficult to be accepting of the fact that I had PPA/PPD and that there was nothing I could do about it. It's not something I asked for, nor is it my fault. It just IS.
Accepting that it is part of my life right now is a big pill to swallow. I'm not doing very well with it. One of the many regrets I have is not continuing with my pregnancy journal. That time is gone, and I have to move on and forward. I really do want to get to feeling like my old self again. Some days are a massive struggle just to get from 8am to 8pm and function. Those days are more than a few lately because I am tapering off of the anti-depressant I was placed on in late November.
Why am I coming off of it? Well, I just can't hang with the side effects. Primarily the massive joint and muscle pain that plagues me day in, day out. In addition, my vision becomes blurry on occasion, sometimes striking both eyes or one eye at a time. It's very random. The anxiety is swinging its big stick at me and I'm having to rely on the Valium the doc gave to me to help me manage during the day. It's all extraordinarily frustrating and monumentally challenging.
I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day.